Sassy Bitch Society

Crowd-Pleasing Ideas

2009-10-06T13:09:00.004-04:00

Yup...I think that about covers it for today.

You know who you are.

Guzzles McNewbury, et al.

2009-09-28T16:45:00.005-04:00

It has been 142 days since I posted a damn thing on this blog or any other (except for a quick hello to Jock 3 days ago).... and people still keep showing up via web searches for things related to fuck/fucking.

I am beginning to feel it is my civic duty as a good American, as an upright citizen, as a middle aged female, and as a prior Girl Scout and member of the boys high school tennis team, to feed the fuck-mad public demand that I created.

~~~~~~~~

Therefore, I would like to formally announce my return to the blog world.

I'm still fucking brilliant and if you don't appreciate that -

Fuck off you Fat fucking bastards.

~~~~~~

Sad Little Fuckers, Aren't They?

2009-05-09T14:36:00.004-04:00

I've got this Feedjit thingamabob on my blog. It tells me when you all visited, where you visited from, and how you got here - direct link, photo search, google phrase/word search, etc.

The current top link that people visit from is 2008 Weblog Awards - Yes my dear sweet children, yours truly was a finalist in the "Best New Blog" category. Eat your little motherfucking hearts out.

The top photo search that brings the world to my blog is for "Merkins." (See Sunday Brunch and Pubic Decor)

I now will share with you, the top "phrases/words" that bring people to my fucking blog when they do a google search.

Ready?

1. "Want Fuck."
2. "Fuck fingers."
3. "Famous fuckups."
4. "Fuck off and die."
5. "Fucked up."
6. "Fuck you."
7. "Fuck it."
8. "Fuck me."

You'll notice of course that each one contains the word fuck.

My goal was to get everyone to use the word fuck more often.

My work here is done.

Yeah Fuck You...I'm Not Dead Yet

2009-05-06T14:38:00.009-04:00

I was away from the blogworld again,

participating in a myriad of family events

that lead to the day of my son-in-laws departure

for Afghanistan

with the USMC.

He left last week.

Semper Fi.

~~~~~~~~

Here is a synopsis of that time:

Community Picnic with Main Course being roast pig.

The neighbors took their pot-belly pig to said pig-pickin.

Yes, the pig ate pig.

A photo of my grandson and son-in-law playing during the community picnic.

Same son-in-law, family going-away-party, ice cream cake frosting on face.

Makes you feel just a bit safer, huh?
One of our dogs, Nala, partaking of a massive bone.

Meet my granddaughter, Harlo.

She is still being processed.

She is due to arrive in early August.

Son-in-laws wife,

grandson's mother,

granddaughter's mother,

and my oldest baby.

~~~~~~~~~

For all of you who hoped it, wished it, and prayed for it,

Fuck you, I'm still here and didn't die.

~~~~~~~~

I'm still fucking brilliant as well.

Lest any of you forget.

Life's Little Fucking Pieces of Reality

2009-03-11T13:23:00.006-04:00

This man is my son-in-law.

This photo was taken 3 months ago

On his 22nd birthday.

In less than 60 days

He will be in Afghanistan.

Between now and then, my daughter and son-in-law need to buy a home, move into it, write their wills, and make arrangments 'just in case,' amongst many other things.

My daughter will be giving birth to their second child in August. Her husband's tour of duty in Afghanistan will be a minimum of 10 months, so he will miss the majority of the pregnancy, the delivery and the first few months of his child's life.

US Marines give up alot to serve their country.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I offer no humor in my 'humor blog' today.

I only ask that you think kindly of our soldiers and wish them well.

They Serve to Live

And Live to Serve.

~~~~~

Semper Fi

Babies and Hoes, Thats What Its All About!

2009-03-08T10:37:00.004-04:00

I trolled the internet, hoping to find something with the word "fuck" in it, regarding Daylight Savings Time (which for you non-americans, happens today in the US). I emerge victorious, as usual, because once again, I am fucking brilliant.

I also happen to have learned something new from these images regarding the time change, and it is my duty as a good American to inform you of the same.

I hope you find these as amusing as I do!

I hope you all have a marvelous fucking day.

Or a day of fucking marvelously.

Your choice.

People Are Bastards

2009-03-07T13:48:00.002-05:00

This is what we do to our dog when we are bored.

We are bastards you see.

And we love it.

Fuck Responsibility, I Want to Dance Like a White Girl

2009-03-06T10:09:00.007-05:00

Its Friday. The day is g-o-r-g-e-o-u-s. Its 11 AM and beautiful outside.

Today is NOT a good day to be a grown up, thats for damn sure.

I want to be a kid again.

Care to Join Me??

I want to play Red Rover all day and Kick the Can all night.

I want to drink grape soda pop and then laugh until it comes out of my nose.

I want to eat a tuna sandwich with potato chips on it or put Doritos on a hamburger.

I want to walk barefoot in the gutters after a pouring rain, looking for earthworms.

I want to build a tree house...for girls only of course....

and then throw water balloons at all the boys.

I want a candy necklace...and a sticky neck. (You know what I mean.)

I want a gigantic pixie stick....a pure sugar shooter...and I want to savor it for hours.

I want to be the passenger, sitting backwards, on a banana seat bike,

flying down hills at the speed of light!

I want to make my own skateboard - from an old roller skate

(the kind you used to use a key with)....

and then roll down hills over and over, trying not to crash.

I want to play hop scotch, jumprope, and klackers (remember those?)

I want to do a few running swan dives off the high diving board.

I want to make homemade popcorn balls and homemade chex mix.

I want to have a slumber party and play truth or dare

and then call the radio station

and dedicate a song to someone I secretly like.

I want to play some Three Dog Night,

some Mamas and the Papas,

some Dr. Hook,

and some Neil Sedaka.....

I want to dance like a white girl

in my underwear

while singing into my hairbrush

and dreaming about

what I'll be like when I'm a grown up.

Fuck Responsibility people...

lets all play Hookie today and be kids again.

Sigh.

My Little Stud Muffin (My One Nice Day This Month)

2009-03-05T15:12:00.007-05:00

I have always heard the stories about how wonderful being a grandparent is.

Well, let me tell you, the stories don't hold a candle to reality.

I don't have to worry about schedules.

I don't have to worry about naps.

We play or eat when we want to.

I'm not wondering if I'll be able to afford clothing, diapers, toys....

there is no stress over bills.

We simply play.

And smile.

And giggle.

And laugh.

And cuddle.

And play some more.

Grandmas are for treats and chocolate milk and noisy toys.

We are for messy foods, silly outfits, silly songs,

and lots of the"Noggin" Channel.

He makes me more patient, softer, more gentle, kinder and happier.

He doesnt care what I do, who I know, or what I think.

He just knows I'm grandma and I'm fun and safe and warm.

Life doesn't get any better than this.

~~~~

Well hold on, it will.

My second grandchild is due in August.
Somedays, I can hardly wait!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes I think this little guy looks like Heath Ledger.

I must have said that out loud to people 100 times.

That was before I realized

that my little stud muffin

was born the very day that Heath died.

Coincidence?

~~~~~~~~

Photo Credits: Sher Hilliard Photography

Wednesday Bitch

2009-03-04T11:18:00.004-05:00

Our stove died, ovens, burners and all. We don't have the money to fix it until payday. (Such is life, huh!). We have one small local store and I decide to go there to see if they have anything inexpensive we can use until payday. The story of that visit follows:

I enter the store and note that the store manager is checking customers out, with about 5 people in line. I grab a cart and begin to wander through the aisles. After 30 minutes of not finding anything useful, I get in line to check out with my Coke and Mt. Dew. The cashier/clerk is no longer the store manager, the girl checking people out is apparently new, as I have never seen her before and as this is the only local store in our small town, I am at this store at least 3 times per week.

Me to Clerk: I know you had these last year, but I cannot find them this year, so I am asking... Do you have those individual stove burners that sit alone on the counter?

Clerk: Um... ma'am we have burner covers ?

Me: No, what I mean is the actual burner, it plugs into the wall...looks like an electric stove burner...I saw them here last year once but cannot find them now. Do you still have them?

Clerk: Um... well ma'am I know we have those metal pan thingies that go under the burners ?

Me: No...this is an actual burner...plugs in, you can put pans on it...cook on it...Oh, I think its sometimes called a Hot Plate.

Clerk: (Big smile) Oh Yes Ma'am...we have plates. They are plastic.

Me: No, I......

Clerk: (Interrupting me)... But ma'am our plates aren't hot...they are plastic...they might melt if they were hot.

Me: No...I do NOT mean plates. IT. IS. AN. ELECTRIC. BURNER. It plugs into the wall, you cook on it, and sometimes I think its called a Hot Plate. Have you seen any in the store?

Clerk: Please ma'am, I really don't think you can put these plastic plates on a burner. They will melt and it will stink pretty bad.

Me (Teeth gritted): Where is the store manager?

Lady in Line behind me to her children: Listen you idiots, I think you are stupid but listen to this idiot (As she points directly into the clerks face, fingers about 1 foot away from her face).

Clerk to Me: (Now standing with hands turned up...shaking her head...looking like shes going to cry)..Ma'am We have plates, cold plastic plates. We have burner covers, burner pans. I don't know what you want.

Me: Can you please just get me the store manager?

Clerk: I don't know where he is. (This store can be seen entirely from the checkout line - its probably 50 feet wide by 75 feet long)

Me: Can you overhead page the manager please?

Approximately 8 year old kid in Line behind me: Man She is fucking stupid Mom. That lady is stupid as shit.

Clerk to Me: Ma'am...can....you....please....HELP....ME....I.....don't....know....what.....to.....do .....

Me: I'll just pay for these sodas then thanks.

Tuesday Bitch

2009-03-03T09:28:00.003-05:00

Whatever happened to Peppermint Patty? Was she a lesbian? Think about it. No, seriously. I'm right aren't I? Marcie was her significant other/partner/lover. Makes sense now, doesn't it?

What ever happened to Pig-Pen? Did he find himself a good woman he wanted to bathe for? Remember, he was surrounded by "the dust and dirt of ancient civiliations?" Yup you know it, he's that rich and famous archeologist now, making one ancient discovery after another. I always thought it must suck to be him. But it never did, did it?

Whatever happened to that bitch Lucy? Didn't you love to hate her? Mean bitch that she was? I've known quite a few "Lucys" over the years. Never trusted them. Back stabbing bitches.

Schroeder. The geek. The sexy geek. You know its true. Smart and elusive. Untouchable.

Linus. The mama's boy. Big whiny-ass baby. Probably still lives at home and is 50 years old. Blanket toting bastard.

"The Little Red-Haired Girl" - I like to think that Charlie finally came into his own, worked up his courage, finally munched her muffin, and they eloped right after their first date.

And Snoopy. The original Snoop-Dog. For some reason, I always liked his relatives better than I liked him. His brothers Olaf and Spike were more favored than he was. Snoop Dog and his posse.

I know I'm missing a few characters here, but these were the ones that stood out in my mind when I found this cartoon while trolling the web. (And the teachers voice, 'wah, wah, wah wah.')

Charlie Brown - Now that I'm this age, I find your baldness and innocence quite sexy.

You can do it Charlie Brown...

YOU can bring sexy back.

Monday's Weird Fucking Photo

2009-03-02T12:31:00.003-05:00

Go on, guess what the fuck this is...I dare ya!

Photo Credit: Sher Hilliard Photography

Sunday's Bitch

2009-02-28T21:24:00.005-05:00

Immediate disclaimer:

Sadly, this is not me.

If I were younger, thinner, Asian, and had perky breasts,

then it would be me exactly.

*****

If I were a lesbian, I would let this woman do me instantly.

Because its Sunday.

And Sundays are a bitch.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Whilst I was away for the past 3 months, a variety of moments occurred in my exciting, self-stimulating, life. I shall list them quickly here, as they now bore me to death to speak about.

Broken toe.

Same toe then dislocated.

Pain.

Opposite foot then crushed by rack of frozen ribs.

Broken bones.

More pain.

Permanent damage.

Fucking Crutches.

Inability to walk.

Pissy attitude.

Alcohol intoxication.

Chest pain.

More chest pain.

Heart attack.

Recovery.

Some whininess.

News of second grandchild due in August.

Life renewed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Its fucking fantastic to be back, both here and in the real world.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Sigh.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Stay tuned.

Don't Fucking Miss Out

2009-02-24T19:44:00.003-05:00

It has been nearly 3 months since I last blogged.

I died between then and now.

My return is imminent.

Be wary.

Be prepared.

Random Fuck Fingers

2008-12-07T11:58:00.015-05:00

I always try to take the road less traveled.
Its much more interesting.
I do the same while traveling around on the internet.
I look for the places less traveled.
And when I find them, I roll around in them
until their stink is all over my body.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Some of you might actually know what I mean by that.

The rest of you, sadly, are missing out on a grand portion of life.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Today I offer you what I like to call
"Random Fuck Fingers."
I do not know these people.
I just ran across all of them on the web,
offering a finger or two
for my viewing pleasure.
You decide what they mean:
Fuck you,
Fuck off,
Fuck me I'm cool,
Fuck this,
Fuckin' A,
Fuck off and Die,

Et Cetera

I have more.

I'll bring them tomorrow.

If I find you deserving that is.

Time to worship your Queen kids...you know you want to.

Surely you haven't forgotten

That I am the Queen of the Universe?

Perish the thought.

Thursday's Fuck-Ups

2008-12-04T08:15:00.002-05:00

Yet even more self descriptive photos of

failings, fuck ups and failures.

I'd do a caption contest but everyone does those

and I am SO not a fucking follower.

Do enjoy these.

I work hard, so you don't have to.

Lazy bastards.

As ever...I leave you

slack-jawed and

dumbfouned,

in compete and utter adoration

of my fucking brilliance.

Tuesday's Fuck-Ups

2008-12-02T12:29:00.008-05:00

Again, I offer self-explanatory photos.

Go on, be amused.

You know you wanna!

Hot Damn....

I am STILL fucking Brilliant!

You bet your sweet patootie I am!

Sunday's Fuck-Ups

2008-11-30T07:38:00.009-05:00

These photos are self-explanatory.

If by some slim chance you cannot grasp the concept,

Remove yourself

from my blog

Immediately if not sooner

you idiot.

~~~

My Thanksgiving Shit is Better Than Yours, As Usual

2008-11-26T12:25:00.030-05:00

In honor of Thanksgiving day (November 27, 2008)

I bring you more shit I found on the web...

Becauses its my job

and I do it Fucking Brilliantly.

Enjoy.

We all have that certain family member, don't we?

This is exactly how I picture ALL of YOU -
men and women alike...

The truth hurts, doesn't it?

All you anti-immigration bastards,

pay fucking attention:

Welcome to The Glorious Southern US -

where Redneck Holidays Abound.

I did a search for "Turkey Shit"

and found a photo of

a Turkey Shitting.

I'm lucky that way.

More Southern Redneck Holiday Extravaganzas.

These poor animals should be

taken away from their idiotic owners.

But it is kinda cutesy.

Stupid humor for those of you who are rather stupid.

See, I think of everyone.

This makes no sense to me.

It could be amusing.

If by chance it makes sense to one of you,

Do not bother to enlighten me.

I don't fucking care.

~~~~~~~~~~

Thanksgiving Cartoon Porn

For all my gay visitors.

See, I do think of everything.

I'm brilliant like that.

Don't move or the blue faced turkey gets it.

I hardly think this is amusing anymore...

but again, I include things for those

not so smart visitors I have.

You know I mean you.

How to threaten a potato and mean it.

This is not me.

However, I absofuckinglutely NEED this apron.

Some morons play with their food

way too fucking much.

Poor white trash Thanksgiving Meal.

Turkey as a sex object.
Sick minded people.

Another one for the stupid people.

What the fuck is the mustard for?

Happy happy.

How is it possible I've missed this festival all these years??

And, last but not least....

Happy T-Day All.

I'm Pretty Fucking Sure I'm a Zombie

2008-11-25T11:13:00.003-05:00

When I was 22ish I spent 2 glorious years working the night shift - overnights from 11 pm to 730 am. I had all the hours of daylight to do whatever I chose and then I worked all the hours of nighttime to earn money. I loved it. I reveled in it.

The opportunity came upon me to change my work hours a couple of weeks ago to once again work the night shift. However, these would be "night hours of my own choosing," any time between say 2 pm and 9 am the next morning. I jumped at the chance. I would once again have daylight hours to revel in, to glory in, to Live in.

I don't think its gone well so far. I'm not even sure what day of the week today is. I do know I totally missed Sunday. I misplaced it somewhere. I'm doing this idiotic thing where I am awake 6 hours then sleep 2 hours then awake 6 hours then sleep 2 hours then awake 6 hours and then sleep 2 hours. If you add that, it makes 24 hours. The problem is, I end up being awake 10-12 hours then sleep 2 hours then awake 4 hours and sleep 3 hours then awake 16 hours and sleep 4 hours then need a desperate nap and then I realize Ive totally missed an entire day somewhere.

I'm eating dinner at 3 am and some mornings at 6 am and on occasion 11 pm. I'm not sure when to eat breakfast and lunch is obviously totally fucked.

I've realized I am no longer 22 and life is no longer my oyster. Bastards.

I find myself waking up at 5:30 in an absolute panic... is it 530 am or 530 pm? Its dark both times of day now. My daughter and my husband have tried to maintain some semblance of normalcy, although my husband tries to live during my hours - I find I can no longer do laundry or vacuuming because some one is generally sleeping when I am awake and I don't want to make noise that awakens them.

My daughter thinks Thanksgiving is on Friday. I think its next week. My husbands a Brit and he doesnt care when it is.

I'm not sure when I last showered. I find myself going to the store at midnight every other day. I find myself having a couple beers around 10 in the morning before I go to bed.

I walk around like an absolute zombie, drooling upon myself, scratching my parts, and grunting.

Life is Grand isn't it.

Why didnt someone tell me you can't go back to 22 again? Bastards.

Friday's Fucked Up Signs

2008-11-21T06:41:00.012-05:00

As usual, I have found

yet more

fucked up signs.

~~~

Be amused people.

Be very amused.

~~~

I work extremely hard for your amusement.

Worship me

As you should.

~~~

Cant spell banana huh?

This one's for you Preston.

People shit too you know.

The Kaputs are..well...Kaput.

Helpful, aren't we?

Commando? Your mother knows.

Small children that aren't yours

are always extremely handy....

Take a tape measure....

No clue. Just do it.

As always, I'm still fucking brilliant.

I'll try to be here more often next week.

It's been a trying time

switching from the day shift

to the night shift.

I am now aclimatized.

Or kind of.

Fine, I'm working on it.

Be respectful and

Turn out the lights

when you leave.

Ass, Ass and More Ass....

2008-11-17T15:42:00.016-05:00

You know how good I am at finding weird-ass shit.

Well, this shit is all about asses.

And it's weird.

So it fits my style perfectly.

~ ~ ~

Don't be an ASS

"What The Fuck" Saturday

2008-11-13T19:24:00.010-05:00

I am in the process of switching from daytime work,

to working the overnight shift.

My hours are all fucked up

and as such,

my blog has suffered.

~~~

I hope you all will bear with me

and settle for more

Strange Photos

that make you say,

"What the fuck?"

Comments,

suggestions,

ideas,

and excessive use of the word fuck

are always welcome.

I'm STILL fucking brilliant!

Tuesday's Weird Shit

2008-11-11T05:00:00.002-05:00

Its time for me to return to what I do best,

amusing myself and others

with the wide variety of weird shit

I find on the internet.

~~~~

Lest you have forgotten,

I'm Fucking Brilliant!

~~~~
Enjoy!

~~~~

First up, we have Diva Gina's Vagina.

There are rules for dying at work you know.

Sweet! I'm hungry just thinking of this.

This one is aimed at men

as, rather obviously,

Women don't fart. Ever.

A bit pissy are we?

The bottom 2 sqaures on this sign are the funniest.

I need a sign like this.

Die AND pay for the pleasure of it dammit.

For High School Girls and Gay Men.

Just weird.

For the desperate man.

Seriously.

Who in their right mind would buy this?

For your weekly reading enjoyment.

No dicking around kids.

Weird furniture follows.

A Boat Shaped Bed -

If this boat's a-rockin, don't come a-knockin.

A Breast Chair.

A 4-legged chair thats just really fucking freaky.

I can't imagine that someone would pay actual money for this...

Now then, Breakfast anyone?

I shall return tomorrow with more weird ass shit.
Theres just too much of it out there to go unnoticed.

Its my job to bring it to the teeming masses.

Why?

Because, as always,

I'm ever so masterfully Fucking Brilliant!
I know it.

And you know it too.

Now then,

Shut up and Fuck off.

Monday's Quick MindFuck

2008-11-10T18:05:00.000-05:00

Look closely - you'll see it.

What The Fuck Was I Thinking?

2008-11-09T14:46:00.002-05:00

One day, and ONLY one day per year, I forget to be fucking brilliant and do something completely fucking stupid. So fucking stupid that I wonder how its possible that I have made it this far in life without being hit and killed by small children on tricycles and Big Wheels.

I expect and even command you to wallow in my despair and console me beyond what would normally be expected of just anyone. I, of course, am not just anyone. I am the QUEEN of the FUCKING UNIVERSE and I demand empathy, sympathy, and appropriate expletives from you all.

A quick summary:
1. My computer gets a virus.
2. My husband, Sparky, is a computer genious.
3. Sparky has me back up all necesary items from said PC.
4. On Wednesday, I ask Sparky for a blank DVD-RW to burn my photo album too, as it has more than 12,000 photos in it and won't fit on a CD at 3.9 gigs.
5. On Thursday, I delete all folders and files no longer needed and let him have at fixing the damn thing.
6. I might add that I work online and have a shitload of programs due to that.
7. Sparky spends all night Thursday and into the morning of Friday formating my PC and reinstalling all needed programs so that I can work as per usual on Friday morning. He's a genious. Everything in and running perfectly. (As are our other 10+ computers in the house.)
8. On Saturday, I decide its time to update my blog. I decide to grab a photo.
9. My moronic stupidity slaps me squarely in the face.
10. I only spoke about copying the photos, I never actually did it. Somehow my mind allowed me to assume since I had spoken about it, that I had done it as well.
11. 12,000 photos gone. Hundreds of hours of work on said photos. Graduations, weddings, holidays, babys, children, pets, travels, the lot. Gone. (I used to have a photography site, its my hobby, its a passion.)
12. My sorrow and loss is incomprehensible.

Sparky spent hours searching and found a program to recover files from an erased and newly formatted hard-drive. After 2 days of recovery, I have gotten back approximately 3000 photos. I will never have all back that I lost but some is better than none.

The British are brilliant. You all should marry one as well.

I shall be back tomorrow with my usual fucking brilliance, wit, and charm. Today I am wallowing in self-pity.

PS: A private thank-you to RD who unknowingly sent a wonderful email at just the perfect time, which cheered me up immensely. You are appreciated more than you know.

Fuck You, This is Important.

2008-11-06T12:19:00.005-05:00

You people who voted to ban gay marriages because its "morally wrong," are the same fucking people who don't seem to realize that YOU do things on a DAILY basis that are "morally wrong" as well. Not you? Really. All this "The Bible says its a sin" is fucking bullshit. I bet most of you don't even know the bible, haven't read it cover to cover, and rarely if ever use it as a reference.

I think that all of you who you were out there denying these thousands of same-sex couples the same basic rights that you all have, because it "goes against the bible," need me to 'school' you a little bit on how fucking wrong you all are as well. Lets have a little "class" on all the wrong things YOU do, that the "Bible says is a sin."

Here are just a few examples. I'll try to make it real fucking simple for you.

Category #1: The guy across the street just got a new truck. You think to yourself, "why can't I get a nice truck like that? " "How can he afford a new truck?" "Wow, nice convertible." "Oooh I love the color of that new car they bought."

Your neighbor just put in a nice swimming pool. A pool would be great right about now, wouldn't it?" Have some friends over, cook some burgers on the grill. Relax around the pool. You vow to yourself that next summer, you're getting a pool and it will be bigger and better than his.

You drive through a more expensive neighborhood. You too wish you had the plush lawns, the big house, the nice cars, and the money to afford it all. That much money, to never worry about bills or new cars or kids clothing again, man, that would be great wouldn't it?

The new couple that moved in down the road - hes young, sexy, nice body - shes young, cutesy, great shape, hot. You wonder what happened to your body, or maybe you wonder when did your wife or husband get fat? Where did the years go? You think to yourself that maybe you should start working out. Maybe a diet. Maybe even a tanning bed. Maybe a face lift or breast implants or some botox or a tummy tuck. Maybe you're the same age as that young couple and a bit jealous because they look so good. Bastards.

Tsk, Tsk. You've been coveting. This ring a bell? You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or anything that belongs to your neighbor. Wish you had a phone like your friend? Wish you were thinner like that friend of yours that eats and never gains a pound? Yup, still coveting.

Category #2: You work weekends, or maybe you have weekends off and spend the entire weekend doing yard work or remodeling or other "work around the house." You might sleep in late both days on the weekends. You look forward to weekends at the end of the week to spend time with your family, traveling, etc.

Again, does this ring a bell? Observe the sabbath day and keep it holy, as the Lord your God commanded you. For six days you shall labor and do all your work. But the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord; you shall not do any work. Tsk, Tsk. You weekend workers are, gasp, sinning. You're going against the Bible. Been to church on Sunday lately? Did the laundry last Sunday? Mowed the lawn last Sunday? Took out the trash? Washed the car? All work. You get my point here, right?

Category 3: You're young. Your parents are a bit strange, they don't fit in. Maybe they are hippie hold outs from years ago. Maybe they dress differently. Maybe your dad argues too much with everyone. Maybe their house is falling apart. Maybe they are poor or in ill health. Whichever, you don't take your friends around much. You don't want to be embarrassed. Maybe you're a bit older and you have a mom with Alzheimers disease. She wanders around too often. You get called at work by your dad telling you that your mother has wandered off again. You really do need to find a care facility don't you? Make it easier on everyone. Or, maybe its your father. Maybe hes nearly 80 years old. His body is not working like it should anymore. Maybe on occasion he urinates in his clothing. Hes slow. You're impatient. You hurry him up, move him along. Probably don't visit as often as you should. Its easier now that your parents are in a nursing home. Maybe they aren't quite that old yet. Maybe your mother is in her 40s or 50s and dresses like she did 20 years ago. You try to get her to change but she doesn't. Shes comfortable as she is. You don't agree.

Tsk, Tsk. Ring a bell? Honor your father and your mother. "Honor" kids. You don't put them in a home when they are old, you honor them by taking care of them they way they took care of you. You aren't embarrased by them, you honor the years they put in doing their best. You look beyond the little things that you don't like about your parents because they are your parents. They are meant to be honored. All you sinners out there. You know what I'm talking about. Going against what the Bible says, are we?

Category #4: Have you ever said any of the following:, "Oh my god look at that?" "Good god whats wrong with her." "Jesus Christ what is wrong with you people." Just samples. Have you ever typed "OMG" or "OMFG" ?

Tsk, Tsk. Ring a bell? "You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God." Typing OMG is wrongful use. Saying goddamit is wrongful use. Etc. You get my drift here, don't you?

Category #5: Ever bring home any pencils or pens from work? Anything else maybe? Post it notes, or paper clips, or a marker? Did you ever put money in a vending machine and get 2 items instead of 1? Cool huh. Did you ever get incorrect change back from a clerk in a store, they miscounted and you got extra and didn't say a word? Did you ever see that candy dish they have in some restaurants where it says "have a mint" so you took 2 or 3 or a handful? Did you ever put money in a newspaper machine and take 2 papers instead of 1? Accidently walked out of a store without paying for something, totally unintentional, but realized it when you got to the car?

Tsk, Tsk. This ring a bell? Thou shall not steal. "Have a mint" means ONE. You stole if you took 2 or 3. Extra food from vending machine you know you did not pay for? Yup, stealing. You didn't call the company and report it did you? Didn't think so. Yeah so what if that stupid young clerk at the gas station gave you an extra few cents back. Gas is fucking expensive isn't it? Got to the car with that unintentionally unpaid for object and didn't immediately go back into the store to pay for it? Sorry kids, knowingly taking and keeping something that doesn't belong to you is stealing.

School is now closed.

Now then, its obvious you are all perfect and get to judge others. The Bible says you should judge everyone doesn't it? So, you all judged that gays, lesbians, transgendered people, etc are all a bit less moral than you? Just couldn't give them the right that you have for marriage because it goes against the bible or its morally wrong. Yet I've just shown you that you do things that go against the Bible as well.

I might just take a moment to add that if you have ever fucked someone's ass or had your ass fucked, and I mean all you straight people, you know who you are, or if by chance you've given or received oral sex or a blow job, then kids, you are doing exactly what you do not want same sex couples to have the legal right to do. Ever had sex before marriage? Ever had sex for pleasure instead of for the exact purpose of creating a baby? Tsk, Tsk.

But in case you don't actually realize it, this wasn't about sex. It was simply about the right for same-sex couples to have the same legal rights that heterosexual couples have. The right to make medical decisions after 30, 40, or 50 years of sharing a life together. The right declare that you love someone enough to marry them and make a vow to take care of them in sickness and in health, to love and cherish. The right to be together as long as you both shall live.

I cannot comprehend why voters in this country object to same-sex marriages. It's completely fucking beyond me. Why the fuck does it matter to you?

You should all be ashamed and embarrassed of yourselves. You did a bad thing by voting against this. Its time for you all to get out there and fix it.

My Halloween Shit is Better Than Yours

2008-10-31T00:52:00.026-04:00

I have candy.

I have asses.

I have costumes.

I have jokes.

~~~

Basically, I'm so fucking brilliant

I have it ALL!

~~~

After all that,

Join me on a walk down memory lane,

to the memories of MY childhood Trick or Treating!

Best Costume Ever!

Best Punkin Butt!

Some funny stuff.

This was my absolutely very bestest

mostest wonderfulest

favoritest

halloween treat ever ever ever.

Popcorn balls.

Ahhh Childhood.

Begin Memory Lane.

If you close your eyes,

You can smell these masks, can't you?

Back when you got GOOD prizes inside.

This man was a hottie back in the day.

The Scariest Fucking Game Ever.

The Scary Music

The Candy Bag

Stop stealing all your kid's candy.

A Day Late As Usual - Listen Up.

2008-10-30T12:28:00.008-04:00

Yeah I'm a day late on this, but fuck that, its still important.

Give every human being the right to marry.

If YOU don't agree with that, go fuck yourself -

Leave this blog and never come back.

Election Day is next week people.

Don't be small minded.

Support marriage equality

for same-sex couples

CALIFORNIA: Vote No on 8

FLORIDA: Vote No on 2

ARIZONA: Vote No on 102

CONNECTICUT: Vote No on Question 1

ARKANSAS: Vote No on Act 1

You don't have to be gay or lesbian to support this cause.

You just need to be human.

Stand the fuck up and be counted.

Do what's right for a change.

Make a fucking difference.

Tuesday's Weird Shit

2008-10-28T10:53:00.015-04:00

My new "Tuesday thing"

is going to be sharing weird crap

That I have found

while searching for "normal" things.

Share the Wealth I Say.

Hmm.. its the bottle I wonder about.

Poor thing.

Below -

Just a quick thought.

Even animals have threesomes. Cool.

For the weekend do-it-yourselfer.

Sadly, I missed this day 2-1/2 years ago.

Maybe next time.

How come women don't get games like this?

Yeah, bang, bang.

Thats just, well, sick.

It's the truth.

You can count on me for more shit tomorrow.

Fucking brilliant as always.

Monday's Marathon of Malarkey

2008-10-27T14:05:00.012-04:00

I've discovered some really shitty book and magazine covers, titles, etc.

They run the gamut from balls, to Hondas, to ovaries.

Tell me these don't amuse you to no end as well?

I'm off to scour my brain for new and exciting post topics.

Suggestions are always welcome.

Give me a topic and I shall do my utmost best

to titilate and amuse.

After all,

I am fucking brilliant.

Sunday's Poll and Other Nonsensical Nonsense

2008-10-26T13:19:00.009-04:00

I've set up a poll. (See -------->).

Its anonymous dummies.

You don't have to comment,

but you can least fucking vote.

Bastards.
Don't forget I'm fucking Brilliant as always.

And now, for other amusements:

Saturday Quickie

2008-10-25T11:57:00.003-04:00

My mother-in-law sent this to me. Apparently she knows me well.

A study conducted by UCLA's department of psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her monthly cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features. However, if she is actually in her monthly cycle, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.

Thursday's Animal Gratification, Etc.

2008-10-23T12:35:00.014-04:00

One of my first posts was about a couple of moronic local guys caught doing scandalous animal deeds. (See HERE.) These same deeds have kept the local scandalmongers talking for years. I now get visits to my blog from people doing Google Searchs for "sheep fucking", "caught sheep fucking," and even one for "fish fucking." Let me give a shout-out to all you searchers looking for the proper techniques on how to go about slipping the little dick to those poor innocent creatures. Get a fucking blow up doll, stuffed animal, dead chicken, cantalope, fake pussy, jar of marshmellow cream, or even quite possibly a real live person and leave the fucking of farm animals to themsevles. Then again, while you're here, maybe you can answer the questions I asked in my original post?

The picture below is for these people so they can view what Normal sheep fucking is meant to look like. Twats.

Today, I have decided to continue to amuse myself with stupid shit I run across on the great internet highways and byways. Most of the following don't need description, although, as usual, I find that I simply must comment on a few. Enjoy my fucking brilliance will ya?

Goddamit be discipline ourselves already.

Whats wrong with you people?

Obviously the following looks like 1) a hard dick, 2) a seated female in the on-top sexual position, 3) the pregnancy that resulted from such position, and 4) the woman ultimately giving birth in a chair. Alas, I am utterly and completely wrong on this.

The following is from a bathroom in London, England.

(They murder the English language, don't they?)

Bloody Brits.

This following sign needs to be posted in front of my home.

The speed limit in my neighborhood is 15 mph - many many children.

The idiots here drive a minimum of 50 mph.

I'm not a huge fan of other peoples children,

but I really don't want or need a few dead ones

scattered around my front yard.
That would just be messy and a waste of my time.

Obviously Steven fucked up (with his small penis) big time.

Good job Emily!

Truth in advertising. About fucking time.

This one pretty much answers all the questions I have had

about Canada, wars, and their involvement or lack thereof.

Wouldn't you think cops would just follow this guy constantly?

This is for people who fear clowns. Oh..how scary.

I'll be selling these on eBay. $5.00 each.

In case of death, clean the fuck up after yourself.

I'm not feeling very amusing today and I believe this shows in my work.

I will take sympathy comments or buckets of Margaritas,

which ever is easier for you.

I shall return tomorrow all sparkly and shiny and buttered.

Wednesday's Eye Candy

2008-10-22T13:24:00.032-04:00

I had a special request from Meg for some eye candy.

I feel that I simply must list a few rules:
No drooling.
No screaming.

No wantonness.

No fainting.

No frank lustful behavior.

No lasciviousness.

No lewdness.

No lollygagging.

No lecherous behavior.

No blatant pillaging.

And absolutely no caterwauling.

Libidinousness is allowable for only short periods of time.

Positively No kissing my blog, you'll make it all slobbery.

~~~

Make sure you put them back when you are done,

So someone else can have a turn.

~~~

As for any of you men out there

who might be so inclined,

use a tissue.

~~~

Enjoy!

Thanks for the fucking brilliant idea Meg.

Tuesday Quickies

2008-10-21T18:42:00.013-04:00

I find the following items amusing.

I'm trying to be nice today.

I'm not even gonna say Fuck at all.

Well except for that one time where I said I wasn't going to say it.

To keep the men interested,

I've been conditioned

to show some tits once in a while.

Fat tits.

Now all y'all piss off and come back tomorrow.

Bring a dish to pass.

We'll party naked.

Monday is Fuck Mania Day!

2008-10-20T14:31:00.017-04:00

I will be gifting all of you

with a wide variety of uses for the word FUCK.

Why?

Because you lazy ass bastards,

You need to learn to be a bit more fucking creative

with your use of the word fuck.

Take insults for instance.

I'm mean for fucks sake,

play around,

experiment,

try something new -

Dare to be FUCKING different.

The same tedious shitty insults

are becoming more and more passe as time passes.

Consider this a public service -

or a broadening of your horizons -

or, quite simply, the fact that

EVERYTHING is simply more fun to say

when you add the word FUCK.

Pay attention.

There will be a fucking test.

Now then,

I hope you've learned some new

and more creative ways to use the word fuck.

If not:

We ALL know that I'm fucking brilliant.

But, just in case you didn't fucking realize it,

the following applies as well.

As a parting gift,

for you ladies and cross dressers out there,

try a pair of these on tonight

To spice up your fucking.

For all you visitors who don't fucking comment,

Feel free to say howdy for fucks sake.

Do I have to fucking do everything?

(Practice your new found creativity on me!)

Sunday's Quick Mind Fuck

2008-10-19T13:33:00.004-04:00

I don't believe the following photos need any explanation.

If they do, you're seriously fucked.

I'm here all week folks.

I'm fucking brilliant.

Visit often.

Thats not in invitation.

It's a command.

Saturday Brunch - Pubic Decor

2008-10-18T13:59:00.031-04:00

For the last 7 days

I have been feeding you fat lazy bastards breakfast.
Today is your last meal.

It's Brunch day and Merkin day.

Don't know what a Merkin is?

Well kids, a Merkin is a Pubic Wig.

Photos follow.

(I do work hard for your viewing pleasure,

tips are welcome and will be taken -

they are included on your bill).

Now then, today I'm having eggs benedict.

You all can help yourselves to the grab and go items.

Don't get fucking crumbs on my blog

or you'll spend the day cleaning it.

Need I remind you that

I'm fucking brilliant?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Eggs Benedict.

Scrumpdillyiscious.

Pan au chocolat -

The best goddamn french pastry on the planet.

If you have not had this,

you have missed out on something truly fanfuckingtastic.

A variety of Muffins for your dining pleasure.

Croissants

Strawberry Crepes

Hot Cinnamon Rolls

Bagel Assortment

Pastry Plethera

Donuts

Ok then, now that you have your grab and go food,

its time to

Meet the Merkins.

And a happy family they are.

The first item is just a mildly amusing ad for Merkins.

I'm not real sure why they use straw.

Sounds completely idiotic to me.

Maybe people can grow extra long pubic hair

and then donate it to a pubic hair charity.

It's my idea.

If there is any profit in this idea, thats mine too.

Hot Damn...I AM fucking brilliant.

The Butterfly Merkin

The Bullseye Merkin

The Feathered Merkin

The Bored Looking Woman

With an Ugly Floral Merkin

The "Natural" Merkin

(Might I say, Ewwww..)

The Man's Merkin.

Circular?

Someone explain that to me huh?

The Natural Heart Merkin

The Sparkly Heart Merkin

The Rainbow Merkin

(Insert Lesbian comments here.)

The Patriotic British Merkin

The Don't Ask Me What This Is Merkin

The Small Heart Merkin

The Purple Wedding Day Surprise Merkin

The Runlikehellfromthat Merkin

The scarylameassbitchmotherfuckingwhatinthehellisthat Merkin.

Thanks for playing along all week kids. Its been a pleasure.

I've enjoyed the comments and the visits.

Any suggestions for next weeks topic are welcome.

Might not be paid attention to but are welcome just the same.

So I leave you with this parting reminder.

I'm

Fucking

Brilliant.

And don't you forget it.

Public Service Announcement: Merkins were invented 4 bazillon quatillion years ago for prostitutes to wear over their nether regions to hide the syphlitic lesions and gonorrheal scars which were just a normal job hazard back in the day.

Friday Breakfast - Sex Edibles

2008-10-17T12:59:00.025-04:00

Its Friday.

Time to think about your sexual plans for this evening.

As a public service,

I am offering ideas on how to perk up

your boring, lame-ass sex life.

Surprise your partner and say MY name baby...

Say MY name.

(You know in the middle of sex later

you're gonna think of me and this blog, you know you will.)

I'm fucking brilliant you know.

You'll find sex/food ideas below.

Don't make me do all the work for fucks sake.

Get out there and be creative.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I believe most of these are photos are self-explanatory.

If by chance you are too fucking stupid to figure something out on your own,

ask for help.

The Penis Parsnip

The Penis Pepper

The Penis Potato

Join me tomorrow for brunch -

after all the sex you'll be having tonight,

you won't be here in time for breakfast.

Have a Great Fucking Friday - literally.

Thursday Breakfast - Fulla Shit

2008-10-16T12:08:00.012-04:00

After you see the photos below,

you'll be happy I only gave you lip balm for breakfast.

Its a shitty day,

and I thought I would share it with you.

(And doesn't everyone love Twinkies?)

What a fucking brilliant idea.

Below you will find an entire calender

dedicated to dog shit.

Yes, I said dog shit.

Some moron has taken the time

to "artfully" pose dog shit

and then photograph it for a calender

that people actually purchase and hang on their wall.

~~~~~~~~~

You gotta wonder what this world is actually coming to, don't you?

For something like $10.00, you too can have shit on your wall.

A few of the montly photos follow.

If April showers bring May flowers, what does April shit bring?

Defensive shit maneuvers. Must be June or July.

Christmas Shit.
Happy Fucking Holiday to you.

Have a very shitty Valentines Day.

Thats just fucking disgustingly miserable.

Obviously I had to share it with you all.

Enjoy.

I shall be back tomorrow to dazzle you even more.

Why?

Because I'm fucking brilliant, aren't I?

(Rhetorical question, no need to answer.)

Wednesday - Closed For Breakfast

2008-10-15T16:39:00.005-04:00

Sorry kids, I have the day off and I won't be playing with you or feeding you today.

The kitchen is closed.

Don't like it?

Fuck off then.

I shall leave you with two dogs, laughing at the man shown below them.

What the fuck was he thinking?

That just looks fucking painful.

Can you even reach your dick to aim it to piss or

do you just sort of hover over the toilet?

Moron.

Never forget how fucking brilliant I am.

Tuesday Breakfast and Penises

2008-10-14T11:28:00.016-04:00

Why would anyone in their right mind

have a fucking hangover on a tuesday morning?

Shhhhhh.

Just bring me coffee and keep it coming.

Shut up and eat your hot cereal. (Photos follow.)

Gratuituous penis shots follow.

~~~~~~

Coffee...mmmmm

Without coffee I might not be brilliant.

Obviously I have a hangover,

because we all know that

I'm always fucking brilliant.

Oatmeal.

I do not like oatmeal.

Nope. Just don't like it.

Rice Pudding.

I don't understand the concept of cold rice in a pretty glass.

I'm not eating it.

Thank the gods, more coffee.

Bring me cream and sugar dammit.

Preferably Vanilla Caramel cream or Amaretto cream.

Just shut up and do it.

Autumn Porridge.

Looks like shitty oatmeal to me.

Nope, not eating it.

Cream of Wheat
This stuff is crap.

Not eating this either

I hate hot cereals.

Hate em.

And You cannot make me like them.

More Coffee, still minus the flavored cream.
As soon as my hangover is gone,

I'm gonna need to kick someones perky ass.

Any volunteers??

Gratuituous penis photos follow.
Pretty little things, aren't they?

The Bull Penis
Its just begging for a leash isn't it?

Mr. Elephant Man
They even pulled back his foreskin and painted underneath.
Go on, look closer. You can see it.

A Complete Moron.
Don't fucking argue with me,
look at him for fucks sake.

The Possessed Penis.

And last but simply not least,

some woman (or is it a man?) with a penis through a pierced ear hole

which apparently was gauged to fit a small penis.

At least he shaves.

We like smooth penises don't we!

I'm not even gonna fucking ask.

Can I have another coffee please?

I need one more coffee to be my normal fucking brilliant self.

My people need me.

Waiter?

Monday Breakfast and Breasts

2008-10-13T11:50:00.011-04:00

Monday is such a bitch.

Just shut up and eat.

Gratuitous breast shots follow the food.

~~~~~~~

We'll Start with A

Bloody Mary

Just bring me the damn pitcher.

Waffles.

With Fruit.

Do real people actually make this?

Breakfast Casserole.

Delish!

Bring me another Bloody Mary - quickly people, quickly.

Strawberry Crepes
Needs more bacon.

(And another bloody Mary.)

Almond Croissant.
I love these beyond meaning.

Biscuits and Gravy
A Southern Favorite -
Excellent food.
Works well with the fourth Bloody Mary.

Gratuitous Breast Photos -

Or What You See After 4 Bloody Marys

Sponge Bob Boobs

Small Slightly Unperky Boobs

With Painted Shorts

We should all dress for work like this

On Mondays.
Hey, it could work.

What a fucking brilliant work place idea.
Body Paint Mondays!

Once again, I'm Fucking Brilliant.

Join Me for Tuesday Breakfast tomorrow - on fucking Tuesday you moron.

Sunday Breakfast

2008-10-12T13:38:00.011-04:00

After I did my "Ode to Bacon" blog,

I started thinking about all the great shit I miss by not eating breakfast.

I have decided to share breakfast with all of you all week.

Because I'm nice.

Well today I am.

And because you all want me.

You know you do.

Why? Because I'm fucking Brilliant.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Mimosa

My very favorite alcoholic breakfast beverage.

Only one for you, you greedy bastards.

Almond Bear Claws

Melt in your mouth perfection.

(Just like me.)

The Spanish Omelet

Spicy and tantalizing.

Just like me.

Huevos Rancheros

Yummmm

French Toast
Can't you smell it now?

Sweet, like me of course.

And for my Husband, the

Traditional English Breakfast

(With HP Sauce included)

I do know that Traditional English Breakfasts
are supposed to have fried bread and blood sausage.
This one doesnt.

I'm here all week folks. You may ogle me
and delight in my charm and wit for days to come.

Ode To Bacon, For my Friend with the Ego

2008-10-10T09:30:00.013-04:00

I went to visit a friend (who can be found HERE)

and fuck off yes I do have friends.

He was lamenting his burned turkey bacon.

Being the kind and generous soul that I am,

I trolled the internet and found a plethera of bacon products for him,

as a reminder that

Real Bacon Rules.

I'm fucking brilliant. You know it and so do I.

Enjoy!

Bacon Scented Air Fresheners

Bacon Bandages

Ah... Bacon Flavored Toothpicks. Buy extra.

After toothpicks, of course you need Bacon Flavored Floss

Bacon and Egg Bandages - for those who don't like lonely bacon

Bacon Flavored Jelly Beans. Yum.

Bacon Wallet

(Made out of Bacon patterned cloth you idiots, not real bacon.)

The Bacon Lunchbox

This ended my original post.

My aforementioned friend stopped by to view said blog

and requested a bacon jock strap. (Yeah, like I can work magic).

I did a bit more bacon trolling and came across something that may be acceptable.

A Thong.

I also found pig panties.

Bacon Flavored Salts

Bacon Heart Panties

Maple Bacon Lollipops

And last but certainly not least by any stretch of the imagination,

The Web Famous Raw Bacon Bra

Again, I will take this opportunity to remind you all that

I am

Fucking Brilliant.

But you already knew that.

Stupidty Defined

2008-10-09T11:45:00.006-04:00

Get off your fat fucking asses and VOTE

Or Risk This:

1. "As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?" --Sarah Palin, interview with CNBC's "Kudlow & Co", July 2008

2. "As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border." --Sarah Palin, explaining why Alaska's proximity to Russia gives her foreign policy experience, interview with CBS's Katie Couric, Sept. 24, 2008

3. "Well, let's see. There's -- of course -- in the great history of America rulings there have been rulings." --Sarah Palin, unable to name a Supreme Court decision other than Roe vs. Wade, interview with Katie Couric, CBS News, Oct. 1, 2008

4. "All of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years." --Sarah Palin, unable to name a single newspaper or magazine she reads, interview with Katie Couric, CBS News, Oct. 1, 2008

5. "They are also building schools for the Afghan children so that there is hope and opportunity in our neighboring country of Afghanistan." --Sarah Palin, speaking at a fundraiser in San Francisco, Oct. 5, 2008

6. "Pray for our military men and women who are striving to do what is right. Also, for this country, that our leaders, our national leaders, are sending soldiers out on a task that is from God. That's what we have to make sure that we're praying for, that there is a plan and that that plan is God's plan." –Sarah Pailn, on the Iraq war, speaking to students at the Wasilla Assembly of God, June 2008

7. "I'll try to find you some and I'll bring them to you." --Sarah Palin, asked by Katie Couric to cite specific examples of how John McCain has pushed for more regulation in his 26 years in the Senate, CBS interview, Sept. 24, 2008

8. "I'm the mayor, I can do whatever I want until the courts tell me I can't.'" --Sarah Palin, as quoted by former City Council Member Nick Carney, after he raised objections about the $50,000 she spent renovating the mayor's office without approval of the city council.

Welcome To English Language Maceration

2008-10-08T12:06:00.007-04:00

Follow these instructions exactly.

Don't ask any stupid questions.

It's all spelled out right in front of you.

This man says it perfectly.

I hate you ALL.

No exceptions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are not stolen, don't bother.

You'd just be in the way.
Please die over there instead.

It's Mine and You Can't Take It

2008-10-06T08:44:00.005-04:00

In exactly 8 days I will be making my very last mortgage payment.

I alone will own my home.

To those of you who might possibly think that owning a mobile home

makes me somehow a lesser human being:

I do NOT care what you or anyone else on this planet thinks.

I chose it, I made payments on it, and shortly, I will own it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Stay Tuned for Upcoming

Trailer Park News.

Who In the Hell Talks Like That?

2008-10-04T18:33:00.003-04:00

I've entered a brave new world. I did a podcast. It's HERE. Listen and be greatful.

The Recovery Process Has Been Slow...

2008-10-02T11:38:00.004-04:00

I have this computer desk, the kind that has a shelf way up above it. I have cats. They love to climb up on that high shelf and sleep. It's Monday morning....damn early. I'm not fully awake and functional. I get my Dew, light my cigarette, turn on the computer. Then, I hear the very beginnings of that dreaded noise cats make prior to vomiting. I jump up, reach for the cat high upon the shelf and realize I am too late. I received my very first cat-vomit shower. It covered the keyboard, the mouse, my clothing, my chair, the desk, the floor, and the unfortunate dog.

And so I cleaned.

By midday Monday, I had begun to realize that my face was swelling. My tooth was abscessing. By night time, my cheek and jawline from my bottom lip to my ear was all swollen. It hurt to eat and it hurt to talk. i was disfigured, miserable, and bitchy. I took medication.

Sometime that evening, my back began to ache (from the cat vomit cleaning I'm sure). By bedtime, I could no longer stand fully upright and had to walk around the house holding on to various objects. The cats tried to trip me and the dogs tried to knock me down. I farted when I coughed. I ached and whined. I used a heating pad and took more medications.

It is Thursday now. I'm still hunched over with a swollen face. My eye was swollen shut one morning. I am disfigured and imperfect. I'm still taking medications.

I expect you will commiserate, laugh, cry, nod in agreement. If not, fuck off. It's my day to whine and I'm gonna do it til the cows come home.

It's Not Just For Breakfast Anymore...

2008-09-27T19:15:00.007-04:00

I really don't think there is anything else I can say that would as amusing as this.

Too Early In the Damn Morning.

2008-09-25T09:30:00.009-04:00

Here I sit, drinking a Dew, smoking too many cigarettes, trying to wake up, and watching the dog lick her crotch. After mulling this over, in my still sleep-induced state, I have decided that its a good thing women cannot lick their own vulva. If we could, we would do it a whole lot fucking better than any man ever could. And then men would become obsolete.

We also would do it way too fucking often and run the risk of becoming addicted. And that would mean "trying to quit having sex in an unhealthy and addicted manner" which would eventually lead to some idiotic crap like "Sex Addicts Anonymous." Which is actually just a smoldering pile of hot, stinky bullshit. No one forces someone to have sex all the time, thats just crap. Its a "legal" way to cheat - "Oh, I can't help myself, I'm a sex addict, blah, blah, fucking blah. Don't fuck anyone. Now you're no longer addicted. I've cured you. Now give me $450 and run along.

All those idiotic "anonymous" groups are a bunch of bullshit. You replace your old addiction with your new addiction, "group meetings." Gotta get there on time, gotta do 10 meetings this week, gotta go here and do that and say this stuff and learn this bullshit and and and and and...........

It's real fucking simple people. Just say fucking no. Addicted to tobacco? Don't fucking buy any. Addicted to alcohol or drugs? Don't fucking buy any. I'm addicted to both. Do I quit? Hell no. Why? Because I simply do not want to quit.

Another of my little turds of truth. Face reality you fat lazy bastards. Don't blame your "addiction" crap on anyone or anything else other than your lazy-ass selves. I was a heroin addict once-upon-a-time. Was. Not "recovering, " just no longer buying it and using it. Yes, it IS that fucking Simple. (Bet that pisses a few people right off. Good. It should.)

Ah, but I'm rambling....this all started with the dogs crotch. All dogs eat pussy. If a cat does it, is that considered pussy on pussy action? Ohh ...scary, its too fucking early to get that deep.

Just Do It Dammit

2008-09-19T14:28:00.003-04:00

September 19th is National

"Talk Like a Pirate Day."

Why just talk?

Liquor makes everything more enjoyable.

Got a better idea?

I didn't fucking think so.

Everywhere You Look, Its One Idiot After Another

2008-09-02T09:00:00.000-04:00

I'm wondering just how fucking desperate one must be, to want to fuck an animal. Any animal fuckers out there want to answer this ?

Got a man lives in the area who was caught fucking sheep about 20 years ago. Hes still know as "The Sheep Fucker." Wonder if that lovely tidbit will also be on his headstone. "Here lies John Doe, Father, Husband, Grandfather, Sheep Fucker." Once you get caught, no one forgets.

Got another man in the area, caught fucking a pig maybe 10 years back. Hes the Pig Fucker to everyone now. I wonder why a pig and not sheep?

Read about a man who got caught fucking a fish he caught. I understand when you fuck sheep and pigs you do it in their ass. The Fish Fucker must have wanted a cold wet blow job. It is illegal to fuck a fish IF you caught if first? Do you still cook it after? Maybe the fish actually sucks you off.

You never read about women getting caught having animals fuck them. They make movies with women being fucked by all sorts of animals, but theres money involved there.

Fucking idiots.

Little Turds of Truth

2008-09-01T14:00:00.001-04:00

I got my ass beat rather often as a child. I hated it. I was supposed to hate it. If I didn't want my ass beat, I changed my behavior or learned not to get fucking caught. I, in turn, beat my children's asses when needed. They didn't die. They aren't scarred. They are not in therapy. They are perfectly normal.

What the fuck is wrong with parents of young children these days?

Everywhere I go I see demanding, whining, screaming, 2 and 3 year old fuck monkeys who run entire families. By the time they are 7, 10 and 13 I want to reach out and strangle them where they stand.

These fucking kids are allowed to decide where, when, and what meals will be eaten. They decide their own bedtimes. They pick and choose their own toys and clothing (and dress and look like morons). They are catered to and pandered to and mollycoddled and never-no-not-ever punished.

So tell me something dipshits - WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Have you lost your fucking minds? Here's a little turd of truth for you - NO ONE CAN STAND YOUR CHILD. Whiny, pissy-assed little bitches and bastards no one wants around. Start being a fucking parent instead of a "friend" and raise the little fuckers right - before they grow up and someone else kills them.

Movie Crap

2008-08-26T18:52:00.006-04:00

I watch a lot of movies. I'm just one of those lucky bitches with extra time on my hands. Last night we watched "War, Inc," with the Cusacks, Ben Kingsley, Marisa Tomei, and a suprisingly older Hilary Duff. Apparently Hilary grew up while I was watching different movies. Shes not great in this movie but I was surprised to see how much the bitch had grown up. I thought she was still 15. Apparently not. My bad.

The premise of War, Inc. is simply war as a business, sponsered by large corporations. The ending is fucked like most movie endings these days, but there are moments of great humor during it. (Moments, not minutes, but moments.) Movie lines like "cocksucking fez head" and such cracked me up. The tanks have company logos and ads, there are hotels with names like "Miami Bitch Hotel", etc. I recommend it for a good short 15 chuckles. The end is shitty and abrupt and could have been much better - one of those movies like most I've seen recently that just suddenly fucks off and stops. Movie making bastards should really pay attention, get "average" people to view them before releasing them so we can tell you whats fucked up with them. We are the ones that pay for your shit, start catering to US instead of yourselves.

"The Invisible" is a fairly decent movie. If I were 5 years younger, I would graciously allow Justin Chatwin, the main character, to fuck me twice. (Hell, I don't need to be 5 years younger, I was going for dramatic effect. (He was also in War of the Worlds, but sadly went by unnoticed by me in that movie.) I liked this movie more than most of the ones I've seen lately, but again, most movie endings are shitty these days as was this movies ending.

You'll watch these movies because I spoke of them. Male or female, tell me you dont want Justin to fuck the shit outta you. I dare ya.

Life's Little Bits of Bullshit

2008-08-24T06:50:00.010-04:00

Time Warner Cable. What a crock of shit. Have you tried calling them? First you get an automated computer voice that apologizes for not understanding you. However, if your response to one of its questions is "fuck off and die" the voice says "I'm sorry, I don't understand. Let me connect you with a service technician." Next time I'll skip the rest of the bullshit and say that immediately.

After this irritatingly long process, you are immediately placed on hold and forced to listen to continued advertisements for their products and services. Average time on hold: 45 fucking minutes. I will concede that now that has changed slightly. Now, 2 minutes into the holding pattern, another computer voice apologizes for your wait, tells you how utterly important you are to them, then informs you of your wait time - 20 to 25 minutes. Before, you were left in the dark as to how long you would wait in this perpetual hell of ads and apologies. Now you can fuck off and take a shower while you hold.

Yesterday morning, the DVR died. I have hours of shows and movies taped on it. I contact the company via Live Support Chat (new trick I learned, takes one-quarter of the time calling them does). They do the usual bullshit "unplug it and plug it back in" like I'm too much of a fucking moron to know if its really broken or not. Then, sadly I am informed they are very, very sorry but my DVR is broken. No shit, thats what I told you in the first place you fucking dipshit. They are also "very, very sorry" to inform me that all things taped and saved on the DVR will be lost and that I need to find my nearest company office and exchange my DVR for a new one. For this service and various viewing packages, I pay $100.00 a month, and they are sorry and can I do their fucking job for them? Fuck you, no I cannot. Bring me a new DVR yourself bitch, thats what I pay you for. Don't even get me fucking started with their out of country service representatives. If I wanted to speak to some moron I cannot understand who lives in India, I would call India.

Time to Find Myself

2008-08-23T18:40:00.003-04:00

It's not gonna be pretty, but I'm sick to death of being polite. Its time I get my bitch on. If I don't like something you say, I'll tell you so. If I don't like your attitude, I'll tell you. If I don't like you, surprise, surprise, you'll figure it out. I'll talk about whatever strikes my fancy and don't give a shit if someone else cares what I have to say. I'll say what I want to say, when I want to say it, and if you don't like it who gives a fuck. Welcome to my world. I'm the Queen of the Universe and its time I start to rule.