Sunday Breakfast

After I did my "Ode to Bacon" blog,

I started thinking about all the great shit I miss by not eating breakfast.

I have decided to share breakfast with all of you all week.

Because I'm nice.

Well today I am.

And because you all want me.

You know you do.

Why? Because I'm fucking Brilliant.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Mimosa

My very favorite alcoholic breakfast beverage.

Only one for you, you greedy bastards.

Almond Bear Claws

Melt in your mouth perfection.

(Just like me.)

The Spanish Omelet

Spicy and tantalizing.

Just like me.

Huevos Rancheros

Yummmm

French Toast
Can't you smell it now?

Sweet, like me of course.

And for my Husband, the

Traditional English Breakfast

(With HP Sauce included)

I do know that Traditional English Breakfasts
are supposed to have fried bread and blood sausage.
This one doesnt.


I'm here all week folks. You may ogle me
and delight in my charm and wit for days to come.

Ode To Bacon, For my Friend with the Ego

I went to visit a friend (who can be found HERE)

and fuck off yes I do have friends.

He was lamenting his burned turkey bacon.

Being the kind and generous soul that I am,

I trolled the internet and found a plethera of bacon products for him,

as a reminder that

Real Bacon Rules.

I'm fucking brilliant. You know it and so do I.

Enjoy!

Bacon Scented Air Fresheners

Bacon Bandages

Ah... Bacon Flavored Toothpicks. Buy extra.

After toothpicks, of course you need Bacon Flavored Floss

Bacon and Egg Bandages - for those who don't like lonely bacon

Bacon Flavored Jelly Beans. Yum.

Bacon Wallet

(Made out of Bacon patterned cloth you idiots, not real bacon.)

The Bacon Lunchbox

This ended my original post.

My aforementioned friend stopped by to view said blog

and requested a bacon jock strap. (Yeah, like I can work magic).

I did a bit more bacon trolling and came across something that may be acceptable.

A Thong.

I also found pig panties.

Bacon Flavored Salts

Bacon Heart Panties

Maple Bacon Lollipops

And last but certainly not least by any stretch of the imagination,

The Web Famous Raw Bacon Bra

Again, I will take this opportunity to remind you all that

I am

Fucking Brilliant.

But you already knew that.

Stupidty Defined

Get off your fat fucking asses and VOTE

Or Risk This:

1. "As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?" --Sarah Palin, interview with CNBC's "Kudlow & Co", July 2008

2. "As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border." --Sarah Palin, explaining why Alaska's proximity to Russia gives her foreign policy experience, interview with CBS's Katie Couric, Sept. 24, 2008

3. "Well, let's see. There's -- of course -- in the great history of America rulings there have been rulings." --Sarah Palin, unable to name a Supreme Court decision other than Roe vs. Wade, interview with Katie Couric, CBS News, Oct. 1, 2008

4. "All of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years." --Sarah Palin, unable to name a single newspaper or magazine she reads, interview with Katie Couric, CBS News, Oct. 1, 2008

5. "They are also building schools for the Afghan children so that there is hope and opportunity in our neighboring country of Afghanistan." --Sarah Palin, speaking at a fundraiser in San Francisco, Oct. 5, 2008

6. "Pray for our military men and women who are striving to do what is right. Also, for this country, that our leaders, our national leaders, are sending soldiers out on a task that is from God. That's what we have to make sure that we're praying for, that there is a plan and that that plan is God's plan." –Sarah Pailn, on the Iraq war, speaking to students at the Wasilla Assembly of God, June 2008

7. "I'll try to find you some and I'll bring them to you." --Sarah Palin, asked by Katie Couric to cite specific examples of how John McCain has pushed for more regulation in his 26 years in the Senate, CBS interview, Sept. 24, 2008

8. "I'm the mayor, I can do whatever I want until the courts tell me I can't.'" --Sarah Palin, as quoted by former City Council Member Nick Carney, after he raised objections about the $50,000 she spent renovating the mayor's office without approval of the city council.

Welcome To English Language Maceration

Follow these instructions exactly.

Don't ask any stupid questions.

It's all spelled out right in front of you.

This man says it perfectly.

I hate you ALL.

No exceptions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are not stolen, don't bother.


You'd just be in the way.
Please die over there instead.

It's Mine and You Can't Take It

In exactly 8 days I will be making my very last mortgage payment.

I alone will own my home.

To those of you who might possibly think that owning a mobile home

makes me somehow a lesser human being:

I do NOT care what you or anyone else on this planet thinks.

I chose it, I made payments on it, and shortly, I will own it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Stay Tuned for Upcoming

Trailer Park News.

Who In the Hell Talks Like That?

I've entered a brave new world. I did a podcast. It's HERE. Listen and be greatful.

The Recovery Process Has Been Slow...

I have this computer desk, the kind that has a shelf way up above it. I have cats. They love to climb up on that high shelf and sleep. It's Monday morning....damn early. I'm not fully awake and functional. I get my Dew, light my cigarette, turn on the computer. Then, I hear the very beginnings of that dreaded noise cats make prior to vomiting. I jump up, reach for the cat high upon the shelf and realize I am too late. I received my very first cat-vomit shower. It covered the keyboard, the mouse, my clothing, my chair, the desk, the floor, and the unfortunate dog.

And so I cleaned.

By midday Monday, I had begun to realize that my face was swelling. My tooth was abscessing. By night time, my cheek and jawline from my bottom lip to my ear was all swollen. It hurt to eat and it hurt to talk. i was disfigured, miserable, and bitchy. I took medication.

Sometime that evening, my back began to ache (from the cat vomit cleaning I'm sure). By bedtime, I could no longer stand fully upright and had to walk around the house holding on to various objects. The cats tried to trip me and the dogs tried to knock me down. I farted when I coughed. I ached and whined. I used a heating pad and took more medications.

It is Thursday now. I'm still hunched over with a swollen face. My eye was swollen shut one morning. I am disfigured and imperfect. I'm still taking medications.

I expect you will commiserate, laugh, cry, nod in agreement. If not, fuck off. It's my day to whine and I'm gonna do it til the cows come home.